Then It Was Depression

I was on Effexor for almost a year. Was I depressed? Probably. I think it is difficult for anyone with a very active chronic illness not to suffer emotionally. I realize there are worse things that could happen. My illness is not terminal. I have a supportive family and a boyfriend who should be canonized. I am employed and my boss is incredibly understanding. Although it's not the best, my health insurance does pay for some of my expenses. I live in a place where I have access to some of the best doctors in the world. The list goes on and on but it is difficult to count your blessings when you are sick every day.

My first year of Crohn's was the worst year of my life. It's terrifying to watch your body deteriorate before your eyes. The uncertainty of not knowing what was wrong and the fear of what could be doing this was paralyzing. I went to work every morning but went to bed as soon as I got home. There were many, many mornings when I woke up and wasn't sure if I could physically or mentally get through another day. At my worst, I really did not want to live like this any longer.

It is difficult to accomplish in a day's time what was possible before I got sick. Simple thought processes become impossible when I am always in pain. The distraction of constant discomfort is hard to overcome. It's like going to work with a hangover every day.

The constant fear that my health coverage will fail me again is almost as anxiety inducing as the disease itself. Crossing that line into the red can be devastating.

Then there's the fear of leaving my apartment. The hour-long subway ride to work can be daunting. I have had to get off the train and run up to the street several times. The oh-my-god-I'm-not-going-to-make-it feeling is enough to make me want to never leave home again.

The guilt of canceling plans over and over is also a lot to deal with. No one can really understand what it's like to be sick so often for so long unless they have been through it.

It is difficult to deal with all of these emotions at once, especially when you are sick. I've never taken part in a support group or anything like that. Maybe I should have - or I should now. I'm sure it's comforting to spend time with people who can actually relate to what you're going through. I do spend time on ccfa.org (Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America). Reading the forums is sometimes helpful. At least I know I'm not alone.