I Want You Back!

I realize I'm not being very positive but it's pretty difficult to muster up some confidence in the future. Besides, I think I'm doing pretty well putting on the brave face every day.

The truth is, I'm scared. It's been over a year and a half since I started this latest battle and I'm not any better off now than I was when I began. You see, Humira is officially not working for me. It is now week twelve and, aside from a small glimmer of hope about six weeks ago, my symptoms are getting worse. I had a really hard week at work and I've caught a cold.

I went three days without having a meal last week. I had small snacks and tried to drink enough, I even bought some Ensure (although I have yet to take one out of the fridge). Despite the starvation strategy, I only made it to work on time without making a pit stop once.

So my doctor is sending me to radiology on a fact-finding mission next week. Depending on the results, we will decide on the next step the following week (unless I can't get an appointment b/c of Christmas).

I can't think about anything else (my body won't let me). The constant pain and fear are incredibly distracting. I have to plan my entire day around my digestive system and obsess over every little thing I put into my body. Without all of the planning and obsessing I find myself feeling very, very sorry.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!