Troubled Sleep

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. There is a sharp pain in my right knee that's radiating up my leg into my thigh. I wore some new shoes today, those minimal sneakers. (Not the toe shoes! I'll try not to judge you if you wear them.) I walked a lot and carried some heavy things up and down many stairs. I also have pain in my shoulders, though it's the kind that only hurts if I'm using those muscles. This leg pain is there no matter which position I choose.  I just took two Tylenol. We'll see what happens.

This pain is familiar. It's been with me intermittently for most of my life. I remember lying in bed and trying to sleep as a small child, but the pain radiating up my leg wouldn't let me. The doctor said it was growing pains. I stopped growing almost 20 years ago.

For breakfast this morning, I had a boiled egg and tortilla with coffee. It wasn't too bad. I only had to go twice before I left. I want to give up the coffee but it's really all I have left. Is it so bad that I have one cup of coffee every morning? I skipped lunch because I didn't want to push my luck. For dinner, I finally cooked the dried black beans I've had in the cupboard for over a year. I think I was testing the waters. I had a small bowl and two ribs that I cooked in with the beans along with some homemade, baked corn tortilla chips. Aside from my normal post-meal bloat, it went pretty well! I guess the Humira is working. 

I handed in my final requirements today and received my diploma in return. I officially have a master's degree. I'm a photographer. Officially. 

Last night I had crazy, unsettling dreams. Nothing terrifying, just filled with stress and anxiety. I might be trying to avoid a repeat.

The family that lives above us is running their air conditioner even though there is a nice, cool breeze blowing in over the water. The condensation is steadily dripping onto our air conditioner below with a loud thwack, thwack, thwack. I'm never going to sleep.

Petrified

It's late. I'm tired but still awake.

When I'm here, I can fill my day with everyone else's problems. They seem more real anyway. From here my problems seem self-imposed and frivolous.

I spent my day doing things for other people. I'm physically exhausted but my mind is full of thoughts. It feels like I'm out of time, like I have to grow up now. Time to move forward and start taking action. No more excuses. I've made it to 32 but have nothing to show for it.

I haven't done any work in a week. My glasses were smashed tonight and this allergy medicine keeps wearing off every four hours. Wednesday marks one month until my health insurance runs out. I have so many people to thank and so much work to do. I have to get up in four hours and take care of a child and my parents.

One day soon, I'm going to wake up to find that I am 80 years old.