Day 45

It's Valentine's Day and I'm going to take a moment to Oprah it out.

I find this to be a silly holiday. I have a valentine, my husband. He is amazing and treats me well every day. We enjoy each others' company every day and enjoy splurging on expensive dinners if we have something to celebrate. Deep down in my heart, I see no reason to do it up for Valentine's Day. I hate that people actually feel pressure to spend money or do something crazy so their girl can go tell everyone at work the next day how wonderful her man is. I hate that everyone asked me all day what I am doing for Valentine's Day, what did I get for Valentine's Day. It kind of reminds me of my wedding.

We got married a few months ago. I haven't gotten the photos back from the photographer yet and I'm kind of relieved. I'm sure I could have pushed the issue a little harder but, truthfully, I'm nervous about getting them back.

On the day of the wedding, I was totally on that bridal high. You could have shown me cold, hard proof that the Earth was going to explode the next day and I wouldn't have cared. Everything we worked so hard to DIY together looked just the way we wanted it. Logistically, nothing went wrong, my husband looked amazing, everyone we cared about was there, but some people (on both sides) let me down and, as hard as I try, I can't let it go. I'm not talking about Bridezilla craziness, I'm just talking about letting me down when it meant the most.

We mostly did what we wanted to do but, in the end, we dumped a boatload of money on certain things that I would have been happy to budget up on. We invited a bunch of people we don't know well, some of them hurtful people, and I'm not sure why we did that. Looking back, I think I would have pushed harder for barbecue and a smaller guest list. I wish I wouldn't have cared about pleasing people who don't care about us. Sometimes, looking back, I feel embarrassed and icky.

I'm afraid to get the pictures back. I'm afraid I won't like the way I look. I'm afraid that I will be upset all over again. I'm afraid that the pictures will be up all over Facebook so that, not only the people we did invite, but hundreds of other people we didn't invite will have a ticket to the show. I'm afraid I won't have control over what happens to my own wedding photos.

I created my own insurance policy before we got married to make sure that no one else had any say in how my marriage began and it was probably the smartest thing I've ever done. This is not about my marriage. It's about the show we put on for everyone else. It was something that happened because we were expected to make it happen, just like the roses that show up on everyone's desks on February 14th.

My relationship with my Valentine is serious, and private. I don't need to be told how or when to celebrate our relationship, it's not meant to be entertainment.



*No harm meant to V-Day lovers. Go for it! Maybe you can send me your email addresses so I can divert the questions to you tomorrow?

2011

I was going to put writing off until the new year but just decided there is no reason to wait.

This year was complete insanity. We shot a film, my family grew by two (one husband (mine), one baby (not mine)), we battled cancer, we threw a huge wedding, I changed my name, we won awards, we planned for the future, we battled Crohn's.

All of these things were life-changing. No one thing completely changed me but each one altered my outlook on life. I feel the change. I feel like I am a very different person than I was on December 10, 2010. This year I feel more confident, I feel stronger, I feel hopeful, less restless. I know things now that I didn't know then.

I didn't think marriage would change a five-year, live-in relationship. I didn't think it would, but it has. I know my best friend will be right next to me, supporting me, for the rest of my life. I know my success is his success and my failures his failures (and vice versa). As much as I thought it wouldn't change, it has. Marriage is far more profound to me now that I have taken part. It does feel different. The change has come. We are married.

This year, I witnessed a new life come into this world. I was there through twelve hours of labor and literally held my sister as she gave birth. There was a lump in my sister's stomach and then, suddenly, another person in the room. A new life that we are all responsible for. We must do what we can to make sure she has what she needs to live a good life. My sister will take care of the baby's basic needs but the rest of us will surround her with love and teach her the things my sister can't teach her. We are in charge of spoiling her and letting her know we're on her side but her mom is right. I never realized I had the capacity to have so much love for someone I never met, but everything changed the second that baby was born. I have changed. I look forward to having my own someday soon.

I'm looking forward to another year of ups and downs (hopefully more ups than downs), another year of adventures with my best friend, another year of laughing until it hurts with my family.

Dear Crohnies, I know some years are harder than others. I know how difficult it is to get through the daily rigors of life when you are so sick for long periods of time. My wish for everyone for 2012 is for you to find what you love to do and do it. Whether it's a hobby or career or whatever, do it. We're all going to die.

The biggest lesson that was reconfirmed to me this year is that, no matter what happens, life is what you make it.

Decisions, Decisions

I don't know what happened. I feel like I am stuck in some sort of time warp or something. Are there really only four days left in September?

Since I've been feeling better I feel like I've been going at life full speed. I've been out of town most weekends this year which has been great but exhausting. I'm doing much more socially and otherwise, and it feels really good. Then there's this whole wedding planning thing...

Since we've been engaged we've been making plans (then changing those plans (over and over)). Everyone wants to know how it's going, what we're planning, how far we've gotten, what's the date, where's the wedding, am I going to go to Kleinfeld's, are we going to make sure the wedding is near hotels, the airport, have I thought about making my own dress, and on and on and on and on.

In the beginning, we both kinda got wrapped up in all the silly wedding stuff. As time goes by, I do more and more research and hear more and more ridiculousness from potential wedding guests. I am, at this point, over it. I have decided that six month's rent for an open bar is absolutely absurd even if the venue is near the airport. We are not going to spend a zillion dollars for some stuffy affair that is so not us because it would be more convenient for some people who have never traveled to visit us before and will likely never travel to visit us again. If our venue is too far from the airport or too late in the year, they can stay home.

I will be making some concessions. I will probably wear a white dress, although I will not spend four figures on said dress. I will invite a bunch of people who have nothing to do with my life on a daily (montly, yearly) basis but I will not spend $150 on each of their dinners. I'm not going to spend my life savings to impress a bunch of people who live in other parts of this country and world with whom we have no regular contact. It's all incredibly illogical to me.

I take my relationship, my fiance and my life plans very seriously but, as it turns out, our life is dictated by the decisions we make, not by the convenience of our plans for our extended families. We do not live near either of our families and, although we speak to our parents on a daily basis, they have very little to do with the decisions we make and the way we live our lives. We love each other and respect each other and make a pretty good team. None of this will change because we are married.

So - we are going to have a party. One where a friend marries us and we will eat popcorn and gravy fries and keep some of our money in our savings account. I don't think most of our family will get it, some of them will make jokes and have lots of criticism to share between them but I have decided that's not important. We are going to have a wedding to make our parents happy but we're going to do it in a way that makes us happy.

Phew!

Crohnie

The Coming Of The Ship

Much have we loved you. But speechless was our love, and with veils has it been veiled.

Yet now it cries aloud unto you, and would stand revealed before you.

And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

The Prophet
Kahlil Gibran