Crohn's Guilt

I have Crohn's Guilt.

I am in the midst of a "flare" that began a year and half ago. I've been through lots of drugs and lots of symptoms and it's all been awful but the worst side effect, by far, is the guilt.

My apartment is filthy, I have a untouched pile of work on my desk in the office and a million projects at home that I want to finish. My friends, family and boyfriend all want to go places and do things and eat food. Me? I'm in bed battling (choose one) a migraine, stabbing/burning/crampy abdominal pain, nausea and/or heartburn from hell. If you can't find me in bed, I'll be in the bathroom.

I know there are a million things that need to be done but I can barely stand up much less take the train to the office. Is there anything I can do from home?

Nevermind, I'm feeling fine today. Let's go somewhere. No, I can't go to a restaurant. I'll never make it home alive. Ok ok, fine. Let's go to dinner. No, I'll just have a Coke. It's fine, don't worry about me. I'm not that hungry anyway. Really, don't feel bad, I'm used to it. I know you're not used to it but I will be fine. Just let me have one bite of yours.

Oh man, we need to get off at the next exit/subway stop/gas station. Hurry! NO, get off this exit! I need to stop NOW! I'm not going to make it.

I know we were supposed to go to that movie tonight but I really can't. I'm feeling awful. Can we just go home? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, we can't go for breakfast before we do laundry/lunch before we go grocery shopping/dinner before the movie. I won't make it.

I'm so sorry I made you pull over/bailed on you/yelled at you/made us late for the play. I'm really sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Since I can't read minds (yet). I never know if the people in my life are disappointed, angry or if they actually do understand. I still can't believe this is my life. This is so hard...

Huge Pain In The A..

Today was incredibly discouraging. I wasn't feeling great when I got up but I left for work anyway. Halfway to the office I started having some pain which could mean disaster or could just be some pain. There's no telling. I was in between train stops when it got really intense. I've been sick every day for a long time now but the pain was always dull and achey (thank goodness) until recently. Today it was burning, stabbing pain that almost brought me to my knees on the train. I spent the next ten minutes trying to stay upright and devise a plan. When the train finally stopped, I got off to seek refuge (a bathroom).

Anyone who has had an attack in an inopportune location knows the minutes until you get to a bathroom are the longest minutes since the beginning of time. Here, in New York, there is an added element of anxiety because there are guards at ever door, locks on every bathroom and rules regarding who can access the key. I quickly found a clean (bonus!) bathroom and snuck into it. I spent eons inside as I still had a 15 minute ride to work from the bathroom and wanted to make sure I would make it alive. Eventually I made it back to the train and then to the office.

I tried not to let my crappy morning ruin the rest of the day but the pain and exhaustion had other plans and the day was pretty much a write-off. The headache came in the afternoon and has yet to leave.

I've noticed an increase in the intensity of my pain since I started Humira. I am wondering if this indicates a narrowing of the intestine somewhere in there but the liquid nature of my -you know- made it easy for it to pass through. Now that the nature of my -you know what- is no longer always liquid, it's causing horrible pain. Anyone?