You lost my what?

I took Effexor for about six months. My symptoms were far from nonexistent but they were more manageable. I had five or six good days each week so my "stomach" wasn't really disrupting my life much.

A little over a year ago the diarrhea started again on a daily basis. I wasted no time and saw my doctor two weeks into it. He wanted to send me back to the old Gastroenterologist, we'll call him Dr. Z. I refused to see Dr. Z so he told me he would make an appointment with the other doctor in Dr. Z's practice. The office called to confirm and I went in for my appointment. When I got there, the person at the desk informed me that I would be seeing Dr. Z. I told them I was there to see the other doctor and they told me no, I was Dr. Z's patient. I should have left then but I had taken the day off work and didn't want to wait any longer to see a doctor.

I went in to see Dr. Z and he was just as I remembered. Arrogant, pompous and unwilling to listen to what I had to tell him. He ordered four stool tests and told me I would have to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. I told him I would do so and left the office.

I dropped the stool samples off at the Dr.'s office that same day and went back to New York. My plan was to wait for the test results and then, well I didn't really have a plan.

A couple of days later, I called in for the test results and, of course, there weren't any. So I waited a few more days and called back again. The woman at the doctor's office told me the test results were normal. I asked about the other three and she told me there were results from two tests and both were normal. When I told her there were two more she said she would call the lab. She called me back a few hours later and apologized profusely - the lab had LOST MY SAMPLES! My social security number was on each of the samples. How could they lose them? Is this some sort of sick joke? Really? They lost my stool samples?

Then It Was Depression

I was on Effexor for almost a year. Was I depressed? Probably. I think it is difficult for anyone with a very active chronic illness not to suffer emotionally. I realize there are worse things that could happen. My illness is not terminal. I have a supportive family and a boyfriend who should be canonized. I am employed and my boss is incredibly understanding. Although it's not the best, my health insurance does pay for some of my expenses. I live in a place where I have access to some of the best doctors in the world. The list goes on and on but it is difficult to count your blessings when you are sick every day.

My first year of Crohn's was the worst year of my life. It's terrifying to watch your body deteriorate before your eyes. The uncertainty of not knowing what was wrong and the fear of what could be doing this was paralyzing. I went to work every morning but went to bed as soon as I got home. There were many, many mornings when I woke up and wasn't sure if I could physically or mentally get through another day. At my worst, I really did not want to live like this any longer.

It is difficult to accomplish in a day's time what was possible before I got sick. Simple thought processes become impossible when I am always in pain. The distraction of constant discomfort is hard to overcome. It's like going to work with a hangover every day.

The constant fear that my health coverage will fail me again is almost as anxiety inducing as the disease itself. Crossing that line into the red can be devastating.

Then there's the fear of leaving my apartment. The hour-long subway ride to work can be daunting. I have had to get off the train and run up to the street several times. The oh-my-god-I'm-not-going-to-make-it feeling is enough to make me want to never leave home again.

The guilt of canceling plans over and over is also a lot to deal with. No one can really understand what it's like to be sick so often for so long unless they have been through it.

It is difficult to deal with all of these emotions at once, especially when you are sick. I've never taken part in a support group or anything like that. Maybe I should have - or I should now. I'm sure it's comforting to spend time with people who can actually relate to what you're going through. I do spend time on ccfa.org (Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America). Reading the forums is sometimes helpful. At least I know I'm not alone.

Then It Was IBS

Eventually I did feel better. I still had diarrhea several times each month but nothing like it was before. This went on for almost two years. I was off all of the medicine and was living a mostly normal life. I worked 40 hour weeks and worked on projects outside of work. I occasionally went out drinking with my friends. I didn't get enough sleep but I was fine.

Two years after the original colonoscopy my symptoms worsened. I went back to my primary care physician who thought it was Irritable Bowel Syndrome. He prescribed Effexor which, I was told, is an antidepressant that is sometimes effective against IBS. I was wary of this solution as I've heard about the side effects of antidepressants, but I certainly didn't want to go broke paying for tests which would all come out negative so I went for it.

I did feel better. I don't know if it was the stabilizing effects of the Effexor or a coincidence but my symptoms improved for a while. I was a little more sluggish on the Effexor but the only major side effect was a strain on my bank account. My insurance does not cover "mental health" treatments and Effexor is not FDA approved for the treatment of IBS.

I later found out that my doctor suspected that I was suffering from depression and I can see why. I only saw him a few times each year but every time I went to his office I found myself crying. I was terrified. I didn't want to starve and sleep away another year of my life. I had recovered financially and did not want to have collections agents after me again. Worst of all, I didn't know what was wrong with me. My test results were always normal and I was beginning to think I was crazy.